In my belief system, anger was considered as something really bad.
I believed that anger is low vibrational emotion and it is bad to feel it.
So what did I do all the time?
I avoid anger.
Every time I started to feel angry, I repressed it.
And what does happen with the emotion when it's repressed all the time?
It will come out when I cannot control it anymore!
Emotional Intelligence is something that I practise throughout my life and I go through almost every emotion and I analyse it under my minds microscope.
Anger was the emotion was I neglected for many years, because I grew up in the family where I saw and learned how destructive it can be.
I do not remember much from my childhood, however sometimes the feeling with the possible memory comes back to teach me something.
This time it was the moment when my parents argue.
Of course, every parent could argue, but as a little child in that moment I learned several things just by observing this situation.
Firstly, I watched how powerful was the anger and how much it can affect the other person.
Secondly, I learned to avoid these type of situation by fleeing.
We all have this - fight, flight or freeze and that is our body's stress response. It is a natural reaction when we perceive danger and need to protect ourselves.
When I start to analyse the situation, I always go deeper and I do it as a observer - I do not do it involving my present emotions. To analyse situation, I have to cut out the emotions to be objective.
And every situations have to be observed from every single involved person, in which this situations were 3 persons - me as a child, my father and my mother.
Let's analyse the situation together!
As my mother, she was angry, because she was protecting herself. Her boundaries was overstepped and her response was FIGHT.
As my father, he was confused and hurt, because he did not understand why is he attacked. His response was FLIGHT.
The little me in that moment created two totally conflicted responses - FIGHT AND FLIGHT.
However, mostly in my life I choose to flee in order to protect myself, because I learned that it was the better and less harmful response, because I wanted to make everyone feel good. However, I totally neglected my own feelings and my boundaries.
Each time my boundaries was overstepped - I removed myself from the situation, and sometimes I even removed that person from my life. In order to protect myself and my boundaries - I delete the person from my life. Have you ever done that?
A while back, I recognise this pattern and worked with that. Everything what we do is a program what CAN BE CHANGED!
Just first, I need to recognise it by myself. And then I need to decide by myself to change it.
The other natural response was fight. This have been neglected for many years and now it comes out uncontrollably, because it has been repressed for so long, that I do not know how to handle it. And by thinking that to feel angry is something really bad - does not really help!
I always try to find the root cause of everything and by talking it out loud - always help!
Sometimes it does not really matter what the other person is saying or suggesting, however it will help because there ALWAYS will be some phrase or a word what will trigger in my mind in my perspective (because everything anyway happens in your head)!
From everything what we discussed, this one phrase triggered something in me:
Anger also can be healthy and beautiful.
And it blew my mind! Because I found my negative thinking pattern!
And I felt so grateful!
That's why when I feel triggered - I always know there is a negative thinking pattern or negative belief that is not aligned with my authentic self.
Like Sherlock Holmes, I followed back every single moment and emotion and I found the root cause. It takes courage and time, however it's always rewarded with the new and positive change. Because everything what I am repressing will come out eventually!
By being aware of this emotion and why it's triggered I can decide to change that.
Acknowledging that my anger comes out when my boundaries are being crossed, now I can react differently. Not by snapping out, but recognising that this is the line where I need to say "NO". And it has nothing to do with the comfort zone and stepping out of comfort zone. This is the line, where I feel safe and it is my right to keep myself safe. Everyone has the right to say "NO" and everyone has the right to be safe and take care of themself.
That's the magic of being a human - we are souls having a physical body with a programmed mind. We cannot changed our souls, however we can change our bodies and most importantly - WE CAN CHANGE OUR PROGRAM!
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